Liberal Lane

Would You Criticize the Media for Suggesting You Not Stick That Pen in Your Eye?

2009-03-12T18:41:00.001-07:00

You hear a lot of criticism against the "mainstream media" in the United States for their supposedly biased reporting during the 2008 Presidential Campaign.

"How dare the television networks and major newspapers favor Barack Obama over another four years of Republican rule!" we heard from the right wing zealots.

However let's look at the facts:

There were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. George W. Bush started a war in Iraq based on the opinion that there were gobs of long range missiles capable of hitting Duluth with pinpoint accuracy.

For years leading up to the 2008 presidential election President Bush's approval rating was more embarrassing than his inability to recite simple phrases.

We still haven't captured or killed Osama Bin Laden; though I heard he didn't sleep well the other night because he heard a plane fly overhead and thought it might be one of USA's finest.

Lack of regulation has brought America to the brink of depression.

America is hated around the world because we have chosen to impose our value system on those who think differently. (Hmm, isn't imposing their value system on others what conservatives criticize the media for doing?)

All of the things I just mentioned, and I could go on, are facts. They're not left wing spin that Republicans can claim as falsehoods.

Of course the right wing tried to argue that reporting the above information was, "being in the tank" for Democrat Barack Obama.

But let's just say the mainstream media did favor Barack Obama. Aren't journalists Americans first? According to most Republicans, patriotism is a vital thing to possess and those who lack it should be vilified. Why then would the GOP criticize the media for having enough patriotism to influence their fellow countrymen to act in the best interest of the United States of America?

And when it comes to gay marriage bans being approved by voters, Republicans say, "The people have spoken and they don't want gay marriage!" While when it comes to electing Barack Obama, Republicans say, "The people have spoken and they want Barack Obama – but only because the mainstream media made them think that's what they wanted - when they really wanted John McCain."

In other words, when elections go their way, it's the result of good people making good decisions. But when elections don't go their way, it's the result of ignorant people being led astray by the biased media.

Maybe Republicans will one day learn that failure leads to consequences.

I know, I doubt it too.

Bring Back the Fairness Doctrine!

2009-02-14T21:18:00.000-08:00

If the 2008 election is as big a victory for the Democrats as the polls predict, there will be a lot of talk about bringing back the Fairness Doctrine, which is a law that states radio and television stations must give equal time to opposing political views.

Bring it back, I say! America has been without this important piece of legislation for far too long.

Of course the "radical right" has been trying to say that because left-winged radio stations, such as Air America, aren't able to stay in business on their own, liberal talk should be censored, while the likes of Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Michael Savage should be allowed to keep talking for as long as they want, about anything they want.

In a word: Hogwash.

Just because the American people don't realize listening to liberal radio is good for them, doesn't mean we should do away with it. I force my children to eat Broccoli because it benefits them in the long term. The American people should listen to liberal radio talkers for the same reason.

Or are you right-wingers afraid you'll discover what you've always believed is actually a crock of hooey?

You conservatives insist that you encourage debate - that you are so convinced your political philosophy is correct you welcome other points of view. Then what's your problem with liberal talk radio!? If what you believe is so "true," wouldn't stations "spewing" progressive viewpoints convince people that liberalism is wrong?

In other words, by your beliefs, listening to liberal talk radio for 24-hours a day would make people turn to conservatism in droves, because it would cause them to discover how ridiculous liberalism is.

If a Nazi station began to broadcast their hateful viewpoint, it wouldn't convince the masses that Nazism is their cup of tea; it would show them how ridiculous racism and bigotry are.

Conservatives think liberal positions of big government and not invading sovereign nations are ridiculous; wouldn't listening to hour after hour of that kind of talk simply make everyone aware that liberalism was an asinine ideology?

Me thinks you conservatives are afraid your stranglehold on talk radio is at an end, and your opposition to the Fairness Doctrine shows exactly how unsure you are as to how "right" your views are.

I Booed Sarah Palin's Seven-Year-Old!

2009-01-23T18:27:00.000-08:00

Last weekend was great for the Doolittle family!

We were in Philadelphia to visit my in-laws, and because they're such avid sports fans, they took us to see the Philadelphia Flyers play hockey. It was a big deal to them because it was opening weekend for the NHL.

Of course hockey reminded me of Republican Vice Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin, a woman who fancies herself a "Hockey Mom."

From the get-go I thought calling herself a "Hockey Mom" was ridiculous. Why have a specific name for the type of Mother who doesn't refuse to drive her kids to sporting events.

Sarah Palin says: "Celebrate me because when my children ask for a ride to hockey practice I don't say 'Take the bus'!"

Well, wouldn't you know it, via some miraculous coincidence Sarah Palin was at the Flyers game to drop the puck with two of her many female offspring. Her oldest was there along with her seven-year-old daughter.

Of course as soon as she stepped onto the ice we booed so fervently we almost ran out of oxygen.

You should have seen the little seven-year-old waving to the crowd with this s*it eating grin on her face! It's like, "Get a clue, you little brat, we hate your Mommy!"

But there was no getting through to this girl! And the more we saw that the boos weren't phasing her, the louder we got. In fact, I started booing the seven-year-old instead of Sarah Palin; though there was probably no discernable way to tell the difference from ice level.

But of course, like a good little ditto-head, just kept on a wavin'!

When the game started I thought about how lucky I am to live in a country where I'm free to express my political views by mercilessly booing a woman and her seven-year-old daughter. It's most definitely what our forefathers envisioned while drafting the Constitution.

Of course I'm sure Republicans would like to take the right to boo children away from us – just like they'd like to take away the right to burn the American flag, the right to talk to our terrorist buddies on the phone about plots against the United States while not being spied on, and the right to inundate the comments sections of blogs written by conservatives with, "You're an Idiot."

God bless America!

Iraqi Kurds Say They're Much Happier After U.S. Led Invasion; Can You Say "Denial"

2008-12-12T17:32:00.000-08:00

My husband was watching Faux News, err, Fox News rather, and saw a report that the Iraqi Kurds, who reside in Northern Iraq, claim to be much happier since the U.S. led invasion.

My response: Denial ain't just a river in Egypt!

Americans are less happy than before the war; how can people who live in the country we invaded be happier.

I mean, don't the Iraqi Kurds watch CNN? If they did, they would understand their country is in shambles and they're miserable. Poor things.

Maybe the Iraqi Kurds are selfish. Maybe it's all: "I can give my children a better life," and "I no longer have to worry about Saddam's Army killing me."

Maybe we need to send a psychologist over there to bring out the repressed anger that dwells deep within them. I'm sure a Dr. Phil special would bring attention to the plight of the Iraqi Kurds and make sure they realize they are in the midst of a horrific experience.

It's sad enough that conservatives in this country refuse to accept the reality that the War in Iraq is going horribly awry; it's doubly sad when people suffering from pain and agony think they're happy based on, "White House Talking Points."

Look, I hold no ill will against the Iraqi Kurds; they just don't know any better. Not to insult their proud race, but they're a bit ignorant, that's all.

Well, I suppose American conservatives are ignorant too, but American conservatives are ignorant and should know better; as opposed to the Kurds, who are ignorant but can't be expected to know better. If they had the capacity to know better, they would.

So let us all keep the Iraqi Kurds in our prayers; that they soon empower themselves by no longer believing in the myth that they're happy, and realize just how miserable they really are, and just how miserable they’ve been since the man who brutalized them for decades was removed from power.

I Was a Prisoner of War, You're Not Okay

2008-11-09T12:11:00.001-08:00

I, like everyone else, applaud Republican Presidential Nominee John McCain's service to the United States of America.

However, after listening to Senator McCain speak; I can't help but feel guilty I have never been imprisoned in a POW camp.

I mean, I'm very sorry I didn't join a branch of the United States Military, go off to war, get shot down and suffer as a prisoner of war for many years, but I don't think it makes me a bad person or disqualifies me from being President of the United States.

Maybe from the ages of 31-37 I wasn't held against my will at the Hanoi Hilton, but that doesn't mean I wasn't being productive in a way that assisted my country.

In fact, I was busy having babies and taking care of the children I'd already had before turning 31. I have no doubt my kids will grow up to benefit America because I taught them not to judge others by the color of their skin.

Maybe some of you weren't POW's during your young adult years, either. Why not, the Republicans might wonder. You should have gone out there and got yourself captured.

And this is in no way meant to demean Senator McCain's bravery, but it's not like he had a choice in the matter. I know he could have gone home early but chose to stay so others, who had been there longer, could leave; but getting captured wasn't something for which he volunteered.

"Who wants to be taken prisoner out there today?" the General didn't ask.

(After McCain, Williams and Lawrence raise their hand)

"McCain we'll go with you. Williams and Lawrence, we can't afford to lose your expert marksmanship."

I don't mind the Republicans bringing up Senator McCain's service to our country, but would his sacrifice have been any less significant if he hadn't gotten captured?

How do you think regular soldiers will feel after coming home from war and being asked, "Did you spend time in a POW camp!?" After answering, "No," the question asker will probably assume they aren't too crazy about our country. "Oh," they will dejectedly respond. "Because John McCain was a prisoner of war and that's when he says he fell in love with America. Guess you're not quite there yet."

And since it took being a prisoner of war to discover he loved America, if John McCain wouldn't have had an extended stay at the Hanoi Hilton, does that mean he'd currently be only rather fond of his country?

Hey, the GOP is always accusing us Democrats of being anti-American – maybe it's because we've never spent any time in a POW camp!

Thank you, Senator McCain for your service to our great country – but in between stories recalling your heroism, do you mind telling us how you're going to lower gas prices? Then you can go right back to talking about what those evil Viet Cong did to you, I promise.

Support Illegal Immigration; Hire a Day Laborer

2008-11-09T12:10:00.001-08:00

The Republican Party is having a field day criticizing those who come to the United States looking for a better life.

"Illegals" as the GOP call them, show up for work on time and do an exceptional job; things Republicans supposedly stand for.

It's undeniable that the GOP simply hates illegal immigrants. "But why," you good people of the world ask, incapable of comprehending how anyone could despise another person before getting to know them. It's probably because illegals are not white males, though Republicans are too scared to admit it.

To show support for those who are trying to make enough money to purchase the basic necessities, we should all go out and hire a day laborer - whether we need one or not.

If you don't know where to find a day laborer, try your local Home Depot, or ask the men who mow your lawn, provided one of them "habla Engles."

You'd be surprised how many things you can find for a day laborer to do around the house. Spackle the wall, get stains out of the carpet, defrost the freezer, play catch with your kids… Yes, it's safe to say that illegal aliens are more than happy to accomplish any task to which they're assigned.

Now, some on the far right will say there are a lot of robbers, rapists and murderers residing in the day labor community. I understand these are just Republican talking points, but to be on the safe side you might want to make sure your husband stays home from work to protect your family.

It will be spiritually worthwhile, even if your pocketbook takes a hit because your husband will be losing a days pay, in addition to the salary for the day laborer, which should be at least minimum wage + tips. You'll also want to have them fill out a W2, and because they probably won't have a clue how to go about completing the form, you'll need to have a Spanish speaking accountant at their disposal. (If you can find an illegal immigrant who is also an accountant, that would be ideal; though they're probably more difficult to come by than a decent human being at the Republic National Convention.)

Then of course there's the cost of the Spanish/English dictionary. But come on, shouldn't you have one of those anyway? After all, if Christian Conservative's would spend less time reading the Bible and more time brushing up on their Espanol, maybe the United States would be more respected internationally.

Am I doing my part, you ask. Of course, who do you think typed this article as I orally dictated the words? Sure, it took me more time to correct the mistakes than it would have taken me to type it up myself, but I don't mind in the least - because progress, my fellow liberals, doesn't come efficiently.

I'm Guilty of a Horrible Hate Crime

2008-11-09T12:07:00.001-08:00

My family and I were watching the evening news a few nights back and they showed footage of a man who had been convicted of a heinous hate crime being hauled off to jail. Without thinking, I blurted out in front of God and my entire family; "You sick pig!"

That's assault, plain and simple.

Merriam-Webster defines assault as "a violent or verbal attack." It doesn't say anything about the victim actually hearing the verbal attack. In other words, I committed a hate crime, just like a scum sucking white supremacist murderer! Aw shoot, I just did it again!

My words should be considered a hate crime because I verbally assaulted a man simply because he belongs to a group of people who commit hate crimes. Because not many people in this country actually commit hate crimes, I committed a hate crime against someone belonging to a minority group. Makes a lot of sense when you think about it.

I am of course, a pacifist by nature, so it goes without saying that my family was shocked at my criminal outburst. I looked into the eyes of my children and could see the shame, the anguish and the pain. Even my four-month-old son, who didn't understand what I had said, somehow knew that Mommy had done a horrible thing.

I've always believed in owning up to ones mistakes, so without hesitation I picked up the phone and dialed 9-1-1. I was prepared to turn myself in and face whatever consequences I had coming to me.

The 9-1-1 operator, completely oblivious to the world we live in, didn't realize that committing a hate crime was a legitimate emergency, and hung up on me after about five minutes of going back in forth. All she kept saying was; "Maim, the other phones are ringing, and if I don't answer them soon, people could die!" Could they please find some way to train these people better?

Even my husband didn't want the world to know about my offense. I told him to get dressed and take me to the police station immediately, so I could begin serving my time. He looked up at me with an obvious ache in his heart and said; "You've got to be kidding me!"

No, I was not kidding and still feel a deep sense of shame for what I put my family through. The police officers at the station masked the awkwardness of the situation the only way they could, with hysterical laughter. But I don't think they'll ever forget the way all we all changed that day.

In the end they let me off with a warning. I would like to warn all of you to be careful what you say at all times, because you too could be committing a hate crime and not even know it.

If it Says Diversity; You're Not Welcome

2008-11-09T12:06:00.001-08:00

Look Christian Conservatives, I don't want you here. I don't want you around my kids, I don't want you in my supermarket and I don't want you in my Oprah's Book Club.

As a member of society that welcomes diversity I say stay the hell away from me. You people don't welcome diversity; you want to constantly remain in your "white man" club with "whitey" so you can talk about the stock market, fine cigars and Everybody Loves Raymond reruns.

Why can't you get it through your thick skulls that people who embrace diversity don't want you around?

You should also know that it doesn't matter what your ideas are, we're not going to change how we feel one ounce. We want to hear about all ideas (except yours) so we can be reassured that the ideas we had from the beginning are correct.

Look, being a liberal in itself is what makes one virtuous. Once you turn over to liberalism it doesn't matter your background; we will accept you! You were in the Klan but you're a liberal now? Liberalism wins out. You were convicted of a felony but are a liberal now? You guessed it; liberalism trumps the murder and/or hate crime.

But if you don't share our ideas and haven't converted to liberalism yet, then you shouldn't be near anyone from the Democratic Party; the party of ideas.

When Osama Bin Laden and the terrorists say that they want to convert everyone in the world to Islam I understand. You see he thinks that would make the world a better place. However I KNOW that if the entire world were liberal it would be a much better place. Like how Vermont, a liberal state, is much better than North Carolina, a conservative state. North Carolina is so hot and muggy and Vermont has great summer weather and a bevy of Bed & Breakfast's to choose from.

It's just like with my kids. When I want them to stop fighting I keep them apart. They fight a lot so they hardly ever see other anymore. In fact one of my kids can't remember the other ones name. He knows it starts with an M and has four letters, but the rest escapes him.

So please, either embrace our ideology or have the decency to stay far, far away.